DOUBLEHARDBASTARD AGONY AUNT - REAL LIFE LETTERS FROM REAL LIFE SITUATIONS 

Annabell Proctor from Plymouth 

Dear Doublehardbastard,

SEX with my lover is fantastic and he spoils me like mad when we’re out – but he refuses to have a proper relationship.

I’m 30, he’s 45 and we are both divorced. We’ve known each other for years but met up again at a mutual friend’s silver wedding and spent the whole evening together.

We danced and kissed and the feelings inside me were electric. He says he has always fancied me and should have married me years ago. We’ve been seeing each other whenever we can since. When we make love I feel so at ease about my body and being naked in front of him.

It was never like that with my husband. My lover and I go out a lot and he always pays for everything. He never takes a penny from me and says that treating me is his pleasure.

He has even offered me an all-expenses-paid holiday in Cyprus in March but still won’t have a full-on relationship.

He recently left a long-term relationship and says he doesn’t want to go out of the frying pan into the fire by getting serious with me. I have two children from my marriage and unfortunately my son took an instant dislike to him because he saw us kissing at New Year.

I think it was a bit of a shock because he’s still missing his dad, although it has been two years since our divorce.  I think the children will come round in time and I’d like to put things on a permanent footing but he won’t hear of it.

Can you make sense of this for me?

Dear Annabelle,

Seriously, get real, your getting cock and getting pampered! By the sounds of it you don’t have to wash his smalls. If you go steady, he’ll dump you within months. Face facts your just his shag piece at this time. I bet he has to take 2 or 3 viagra at a time to get a hard-on to shag you!

Why would he want to get serious when you open your legs more often than a waiter opens a bottle of wine.

Face facts you are a slut and this relationship is all in your head.

Let me know how you get on - Doublehardbastard

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DOUBLEHARDBASTARD AGONY AUNT - REAL LIFE LETTERS FROM REAL LIFE SITUATIONS 

Mike Green from Plymouth

Dear Doublehardbastard,

I’m scared of losing my girlfriend because I never give her orgasms.

I’m 22 and she’s 20. We met at university last year and I really like her but I’m worried she will get bored with our sex life.

We’ve just moved in together and she has an insatiable appetite when it comes to sex – partly, I think, because I can’t satisfy her.

We’ve had a good time making love and she’s quite adventurous and up for anything and dry bumming up the arse, but she has never climaxed with me and I feel bad about it.

She says it doesn’t matter and the things I do for her feel good, but I feel she must be comparing me to her exes (of which she has had plenty, cos she was a hell of a slut before I started to shag her) and I am building up a complex!

Dear Mike,

Firstly let me start by trying to reassure that you are not gay; secondly I think you seriously need to consider the use of Viagra and try to think a lot more about satisfying your girlfriend with your tongue; before seriously ramming the crap out of her with your fully loaded tool.

Thereafter you need to punish the slut further by fisting her - If that does not work you have a problem.

Let me know how you get on,  Doublehardbastard

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